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What does music mean to me?
A lot. Almost too much, it seems. I’d lost touch of reality. I was too busy using music to get away from my own. I’d often use it to protect myself.
In another sense, I would also use it as a safe way to vent my anger. Some lyrics validated my experiences. And in turn, over time, I listened to enough music that cumulatively validated the narrative that I had written about myself, other people, and the world, in my head. After all, why shouldn’t music have some sway in what my mind believes, anyway? Melodies and beats were more involved in my mental wellness than most people were! However, I also know that ALL things good in moderation.
At some point, I asked myself, “Could music also be one of those things that classify as, ‘too much of a good thing is a bad thing’?” Uh oh. Was I going to have to break up with music? No. I didn’t want to do it. The thought of doing that felt so bad, it really hurt. Based on how much it hurt me, I knew I had to give this a try.
I thought, yes, music is the driving force behind my dopamine receptors as of right now. How will I respond whenever I find myself sitting alone in the silence and I can no longer fill it with the soothing, comforting presence of music's muses?
I've been obsessed with music since forever! Had I really been allowing music to do all of my emotional regulation for me for so long? I feared it might actually be true that, yes, indeed, it was. Could I learn to stabilize myself without it? If I admit that it’s a little bit of a problem for me, then I would have to do something about it. It’s not really in my nature to admit that I have a problem to just completely ignore it. At worst, I may table some things for a short period of time. Really, when it comes to music, though, there aren’t really a lot of obstacles that I could use as an excuse to say that I couldn’t start working on this concern immediately.
If I was out traveling from place to place? Music. If I'm in a place that's too loud? Music. I'm in a room full of people where the air feels super uncomfortable for me? Music. I also recognized that me coping with these less-than-favorable circumstances meant that I prefered staying in the bounds of my familiar shell, never challenging myself to grow from these situations. I was existing awkwardly while remaining complacent being socially stunted. I decided I was way too maladjusted to the world around me. Not in the romantic and charming kind of way, either.
So, I spent a couple months of my life slowly decreasing the amount of time I was listening to music overall. Personally, I don’t really like time-limit based approaches on most new challenges. You’re already starting out of obligation that way. For the same reason I would tell someone who is wanting to lose weight to simply start by reducing their portions rather than cutting a bunch of stuff out of their diet and counting their calories: your will is a mental muscle that you gradually train over time. I would tell someone who is wanting to lose weight to simply start by reducing their portions rather than cutting a bunch of stuff out of their diet and counting their calories. Anyway, I’m getting too tangential here. I hope you can understand what I’m getting at.
How did I start this process, then? Well, I began by cutting out chunks of time where I would usually choose to listen to music. Though it made my walks outside incredibly boring, I thought this would be the best place to start anyway.
It didn't take very long for it to dawn on me that I had been missing out on so much life just by listening to music nonstop. The birds chirping... why didn’t I enjoy that more before? The hard and honest truth that I had to face was that I had taken it for granted just by choosing to listen to music tracks over the natural, avian chit-chat nature had to offer. Suddenly, when I had to rely on them being there to fill the void of what was before a constant stream of noise, I appreciated them for being there. Without music, I also felt the their absence even more. It felt heavy, and somber. I started to feel like I had robbed myself of life unnecessarily, all in vain, to let cowardice thrive. So much so, that I discarded the possibility of letting any other sounds fill my ears for far too long... I knew from this experience that I didn't understand enough. Cloudy days, autumn sunsets, sometimes beautiful, seemed yet incomplete - totally lackluster when vacant of the myriad of birds’ chirps. They were a gentle reminder, proofs of life, in times where I felt nearly dead on the inside.
I experienced withdrawals, to some degree. I think it’s good for the mind to be bored sometimes! No longer easily satiated, I turned to reading to create a new voice in my head. My reading speed even improved. My focus, too. Probably the best part of it all. Not only that, but the people around me started responding to me in a positive light, because I seemed more present in their presence. Doing that wasn’t always easy, nor was it ideal, to say the least… being stuck in a room full of disagreeable people from time to time forced me to immerse myself in the experience of what it’s like to be among such company. Consequently, I learned how to “swim”, if that’s what you’d like to call it. Finally, after a lifetime of sinking.
This blog post is becoming a lot longer than I even intended it for it to be. Perhaps, some time in the future, I will expand more on the topic in further detail. Maybe I’ll come make an edit, or make a continuation-type blog post for the next time I want to make another playlist and add it to my channel. A “Part Two”, if you will.
TL;DR: One time, I didn't listen to music for a while. It was challenging, but a unique growing experience, nonetheless. I'm still in love with music; now, I have a healthier and more balanced relationship with having it in my life.
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**TRIGGER WARNING** - This playlist will make you want to oof, fall in love, fight someone, atone for your sins, travel, cut your hair, cry, and climb a mountain all at the same time.
Direct link this playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLtini2-OnYpD-VyjI3ZKcC4sYiBhdbV31
NOTE: On Youtube, you can find another link in the description of this playlist which will allow you to transfer this playlist on Youtube into a separate playlist for whichever music provider you currently have.
P.S.: The transferring tool is *mostly* magical. I’ve experimented with exporting the playlist, and it will replace explicit versions with censored versions, or find the originals to some songs that are acoustic and add their original versions instead. One other thing is that if the band or song you have saved to your playlist isn’t super popular, it may use one of the keywords for the actual song you requested and find a different song on accident. This playlist was originally 166 tracks, but I cut it down to 165 after finding 3 errors to the transfer I made, just like I just described. I recommend perusing the exported playlist with a fine-tooth comb once or twice after you acquire it just in case, but it should mostly work just fine.
If you’re curious what song I decided to take out of the playlist post-transfer hiccup, it was “Anniversary” by Autoheart – there, a bonus track for you nerdy, avid readers.
Credits & Special Thanks
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